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People's Republic of West Nutley
West Nutley
Flag of West Nutley
Flag
Capital West Nutley Town
Official languages English, Nutlean, Spanish
Government Communist
• Industrial and Economic Secretary
Joe Foreman
• Militaristic and education secretary
Alec Carter
• Agricultural and Diplomacy secretary
Sean Miller
Establishment 19th September 2013
Area
• Total
1.7 km2 (0.66 sq mi)
Population
• Estimate
4
• Census
3
Currency Nutlian Yen
Time zone GMT (+0:00)
West Nutley, officially the People's Republic of West Nutley, is a small nation located in the South East of the British Isles. West Nutley is entirely landlocked, and has the smallest population of any official nation, excluding micronations. West Nutley is currently ruled by the West Nutley Communist Party, and has been since its founding in September 2013.

History

Founding

Around three days before its founding, on the 19th September 2013, three citizens, all single and living alone, decided that they were infuriated by the modern political situation in Britain and wanted to fight back. Their names were Joe Foreman, Alec Carter and Sean Miller. The three keen anarchists armed themselves with a hammer, a spade and a pitchfork, which they acquired after raiding the shed of a nearby farmer. This shed itself was later acquired by the men.

At dusk on the evening of the 18th of September, the men set about creating their own nation. They secretly moved into a small area of land, mostly fields, situated due west of the small English town of Nutley. Overnight, the men set up a full perimeter of electric fences, guard dogs and automatic biological weapons, to prevent anyone from entering or indeed, anyone getting out. The western road into Nutley, Bell Lane, was occupied and the section inside of the West Nutlean borders renamed 'West Nutley High Street'. As of yet, a right of passage has not been agreed between West Nutley and 'the UK', largely due to tense diplomatic relations, so citizens of 'the UK' cannot pass through the High Street, a scandal which has been described as 'a minor inconvienience' to many irritated villagers.

A small section of woodland to the North of the country was also occupied, and renamed 'West Nutley wood'. Upon hearing this, many keen critics of the nation remarked on the astounding naming ability of the inhabitants. The perimeter was equipped with security cameras and a control point established at either end of the High Street. On the morning of the 19th, West Nutley declared itself an independent nation in its own right and submitted a formal request to enter the United Nations, which was accepted by lunchtime, causing many street celebrations across the country.

First Battle of Carr's Wood

The initial police reaction, which consisted of an overweight constable in tight uniform who was grumpy because he'd been woken up early, failed to make any progress in entering the nation and instead sustained a nasty head injury from a spade. After he woke up, he immediately contacted his superior demanding a stronger retaliation and compensation for the bruising, one of which he was denied. The army arrived later that day.

Under the percieved shelter of dusk, the British Army launched its attack. They moved in from the north, in the English part of 'Carr's Wood', and descended upon the northern border armed with the finest modern weaponry. However, their choice of time proved fatal - in what became known as 'The First Battle of Carr's Wood', 66.6% of the residents hid behind trees and whacked the oncoming soldiers with various agricultural implements. The battle, which lasted four hours owing to the speed that the British were decimated, was long and hard-fought, but eventually brought success to the defending side, who hadn't even had a chance to stop for half time. After the battle, the weaponry of the attacking soldiers was collected by West Nutley, but was later destroyed because of its impracticality and lack of defensive power against men with spades. Nevertheless, the British would not be thwarted by any defeat, even one so crushing and brutal. Within a week, a small camp of soldiers appeared just metres from the West Nutlean border, to the great discomfort of the West Nutleans, but the happiness of the locals, as the soldiers' appetite caused a boom in the local public house. In all, over 9000 soldiers assembled at the borders, with a plan to attack, when the general could find a time when all the soldiers were sober. Luckily, such an event did not occur for such time, and this gave time to West Nutley to unleash their most powerful weapon.

Conclusion of the war

By the 26th, West Nutley had been keenly forming diplomatic relations with other UN members. On the evening of the 25th of September, West Nutley signed a Protection Pact with a large nation in Asia called China, which said that if either nation was attacked, the other would provide military support to protect it from harm. Presumably, China saw the benefit in joining forces with such a powerful nation, and so would return the favour if West Nutley was ever attacked. WN also formed similar agreements with Cuba and North Korea. This turned out be a very carefully calculated move from West Nutley - it meant that if 'the UK' attacked them, the conflict would escalate into war with China and their many other allies. Faced now with a deadly network of allegiances and temperemental dictators, the UK had no choice but to retreat, and war was prevented, for now at least.

First Golden Age

After the end of the First Nutlean War, the small nation excelled. Among its developments included the opening of a grocery store which relied on imports dropped from a Chinese stealth plane, the sneaky theft of the original shed from which WN's armoury was taken (assisted by Steve's Lorry and Shed Transportation Co.), and the establishment and then the immediate burning of the West Nutley Scientologists' church as soon as the nation changed its religion to 'Atheist' on Wikipedia. Although a third of the nation wanted to remain Scientologist, this was later overruled by the one with wifi.

However, one of West Nutley's most significant points of growth was the immigration, if illegal, of a poor farmer from Mexico, namely Stefano Kaholi. Instead of taking the traditional method of migrating across the Mexican-USA border, Kaholi chose to swim the Atlantic to 'the UK' instead, in a perilous journey that caused him to shrink three foot. Nevertheless, the trip was successful, but to Kaholi's disappointment he was immediately identified when he reached Britain and subject to arrest. But, the Mexican escaped and travelled across Britain, pursued, again, by a number of overweight, dieting middle-aged policemen. The chase was an epic one, but eventually, Kaholi reached the only part of the British Isles that he could be safe from the vicious British policemen: West Nutley.

Like a highly-trained ninja, the Mexican slipped through Nutlean Border control, who were all in Alec's house playing GTA 5, and hid for six days in the shed, as of yet undiscovered by the military force or police of that nation. Eventually, after realising that the Nutlean police were not, as of yet, up to the UK's standards of policing, Kaholi left the shed, and set about running the grocery store. Since operating that store, he has evaded detection by any of the WN founding fathers, although one did mention that 'I thought I saw someone new in the grocer's this morning'. For this reason, the recent census documented three people living in the country, but some of the others think that there could be a fourth, hidden person inhabiting the nation, which explains the population estimate.

Final Notes

As of the end of 2013, West Nutley remains a formidable world power and continues to grow with the recent ordering of six pairs of secateurs and installing of wifi in the shed.

But it doesn't end there.

Modern History

West Nutley is still a rapidly growing country, and as such will require regular updating. These events follow the more recent occurences in the Nutley provinces.

Nutley Civil War

On the 6th (roughly) of January, 2014, rioting broke out in the West Nutley capitol over a grammatical disagreement. Following this, the industrial secretary J.Foreman formed a risky alliance with the resident Stefano Kaholi to bring down the violent oppression that was the other two members of the entire country.

Greater men than you would be reduced to tears by the full atrocities that occured in this violent, brutal war, so we cannot post the full details. To summarise, though, there was a lot of shouting, but the war gradually wound down as Stefano hid the spade and refused to tell anyone where it was. Since then, a peace treaty was signed and more spades have been ordered, as well as adopting a license system (see Legality).

Further Development

With an attempt to develop the nation into a world superpower, West Nutley set about strengthening its own defences against invasion, among other developments. Around the perimeter, which is no longer monitored by British soldiers, but they are given plenty of gossip by the village barmaid, a new series of cutting edge automatic defences were installed, which are designed to shoot against anything that moves within five metres of the perimeter. Although as of yet no human has been attacked by the system, several rabbits have wandered in unknowingly, and have provided a very delicious and well-cooked variation to the normal West Nutlean menu.

Diplomatic Relations

West Nutley holds strong diplomatic ties with China, North Korea, and Cuba, and has pledged to protect all of these nations should they be assaulted, whether physically, emotionally or mentally, with the full power of its garden implements. West Nutley is a member of the UN, but has recently denied a claim that it wants to join the European Union, as it believes the EU will make it difficult to maintain ties with brutal, violent and unfair communist dictatorships in the countries it supports.

It is also rumoured that West Nutley has been negotiating a nuclear arms deal with the Republic of Southern Manchester.

2013 Election

In October 2013, West Nutley had its first election. This proved to the world that it was a fair and balanced state. It had only one party in the election, the cunningly named West Nutley Communist party, but adopted an unusual policy of allowing party members to vote (but this was not believed to have swayed the election result). The WNCP won the election by 2 votes to 0. Apparently, the other third of the official population didn't vote because Arsenal were on the telly, and they were really close to scoring.

Geography

West Nutley is very flat. It's made up of fields on one side, fields on the other side, and a bit of woodland in the north and south. One geographer commented that 'West Nutley is really very flat. To be honest, it's quite astonishing how flat it is'. Once, a West Nutlean did suggest a mountain be installed to increase tourism, but research suggests that this would have limited effects, and anyhow, outsiders are prohibited from entering the country.

Environmental Views.

Controversially, West Nutley have always been in support of Global Warming. According to one spokesperson, 'England could do with getting a bit hotter'.

Languages

The main language of West Nutley is actually English, because 75% of the population can speak it. One secretary claims he can speak Nutlean, an ancient language spoken by Vikings who settled in the area, but the language has never been written down as it seems to change each time it is spoken. Because of the possibility of large-scale Mexican immigration, Spanish has also been introduced as a third language.

Legality

In early 2014, the West Nutley Communist Party startled the entire world with a series of new laws that would revolutionise law and legal systems everywhere (or so they claimed). Below is a selection of the most mind-bogglingly controversial.

  • All legal residents are required to speak Nutlean, but writing it is not necessary as the language has yet to develop its own permanent alphabet.
  • Following a vote of all non-government citizens, any illegal resident found to be living in the country is made legal. At this Stefano immediately revealed that he had, to the shock of the Government, been living illegally in a shed for several months. Sean followed this announcement by congratulating the mexican on his hide-and-seek abilities, and then sent him to the shed for being naughty.
  • All citizens must now possess a license to own a spade.
  • The creation of a four-child policy, in a (failed) attempt to reduce population growth.

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